A Peace That Only God Gives

     After a long chat with one of my favorite people, I feel as if a great deal of my burdens have been lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes its just nice to have someone understand what you are going through. I love how God uses people in my life to show me direction, which is what I have been asking for. I am so grateful to serve a God who doesn't give up on me, even when I am being my crazy self. No matter how great a wedge my sin puts me from Him, I know I can still come home. 
     I have joined the Thursday night ladies bible study class and boy did it hit home! Since my previous blog God has done nothing but burden my heart with making right the sin that I have to deal with. Whether it be live sermons, radio sermons, songs on the radio, or bible study God is calling me. I have such a peace now that I am working through my mess. Glory to God! 
      Lately I have been getting my baby fix from my nephew Aiden. Believe me, he gives me really good practice when it comes to settling an angry baby down. Its funny though, it all becomes well worth it as soon as I get one of those melt your heart smiles. I anticipate the day I find out that I am pregnant again and that this time it will stick. I really dont want to go through another miscarriage and I know Jon doesn't want to either. He is such a wonderful husband. I am thankful God has given him to me.

Insomnia

     The day after my last posting I found out that I was pregnant. Before you start jumping for joy please understand I am no longer pregnant. We lost the baby roughly one and a half weeks after we found out. I suppose it may have been a chemical pregnancy, the cause of the miscarriage is still undetermined, but I can only imagine what child birth will be like after the intense cramping I endured. Nursery themes, baby strollers, and bottle preferences were once circling my thoughts, now it is the emptiness of loss that crowd my mind.  Let me just state that I am a mess. I have yet to allow myself to grieve and I think that's what is keeping me awake tonight.

    This last month I have been going though the motions at church, at home, and at work. Smiling when necessary and putting on a mask. I think for a while I was even fooling myself. It is only tonight that I am realizing the full weight of my bottled up emotions. I know this blog may sound like a pity party but after years of disregarded feelings, I feel I am entitled to share my feelings where no one can rebuke them. I sincerely wish I had someone I could talk to about these kinds of things. Not even just talk to, but see eye to eye on situations and feelings that arise in my day to day life.  

     Every "friend" I have tends to be there for a while then disappears. I am burned and my scars do not go away. I have learned from my mistakes and I will not, I repeat, will not, make those mistakes again. The list of friends and family lost is ever growing. My mistake was pouring my most secret thoughts into anyone who was not God and feeling the hurt of un-reciprocated intimacy. I should rely solely on God for my strength and yet that is another area I am struggling in.  The cycle of my madness is un-ending. Since no one reads my blogs anyhow I feel this is where I shall end until I have more joyous news to share. Peace!

The Clock Grew Wings

     It has been too long since I last published a post. Since last August I have switched jobs, went back to college, then stopped again, started trying to have a baby, became the children's director at church, and lost and gained back 30 pounds. Time does fly when you have so many things going on. 
     I am now working at CarMax, part time of course, so I can go back to school and attempt to get a degree in who knows what. I still like the idea of opening my own daycare but the cost of a facility is too much to imagine at the moment. I did go back to school for a semester before choosing to not re-enroll because I had to work at both CarMax and PetSmart until all of my pet training classes had finished. I am enjoying the challenging aspects of a new job, but wish I were trained already. There is so much to learn its ridiculous. Luckily I enjoy the people I work with and its nice being out of the lime light for a while.      
     So yes you did read correctly, Jon and I have been trying to have a baby since September. We have always wanted kids and assumed that God would give us the little bundle of blessing when we were ready, but it didn't make since to prevent if we were letting God do His thing. So here we are about five months later and still waiting. I have had tons of hopeful months but I have to remind myself that it is God who gives life and He knows what is best for our family. I will keep you posted on any new updates in that department dont you worry. This may soon become a baby blog instead of a personal one. haha
     Being the children's director at church is both a pleasure and a trial all wrapped into one.  There are days when I know my kids enjoyed their lesson and I know I enjoyed teaching, then there are days when I swear that my kids grew horns over the weekend just for my Wednesday class. Lately we have been working on incorporating the junior youth in with the regular youth to show them what they have to look forward to once they get into the sixth grade. Last Sunday we took all the youth roller skating and had a great time. I enjoy hanging out with my kids more than work. I really wish both Jon and I could live on our ministries! That would be a great blessing. 
     I joined weight watchers about a year ago and did really well to loose around 30 pounds but then to turn around and gain it all back. Now that summer is approaching I am trying to get back on track. I have a new application on my phone that lets me track my calorie intake and my calories burned. I have done fairly well thus far and hope to be back to my size 14 pants again soon. : )
     Well this concludes my rant for this evening. Have a good night! P.S. The picture above is one of my favorite pictures since becoming a children's director. This is Lillie reading my lesson before class starts. She has found a new love for reading and tries to read anything she gets her hands on.

Its Just Me.

My normal blogs are well thought out and are usually on my mind for quite some time before they are published. Lately I have tried to find inspiration but the only things that come to mind are the many trials that I am going through. My goal was to transform my mind and this blog account from one with a focus on myself to one that would glorify God. You see, these past few weeks have been really tough. I am learning that I cannot just give my whole heart to someone and not expect to get it returned to me in a million pieces. I am also learning that people will, not may, but will fail me. Jon says that to me every time I end up having people problems. He also tells me that the only person who will not break my heart in a million pieces is God. I know and think the same thing. Maybe its my adolescent faith coming out, but it is way harder for me to talk with God when all I want to do is crawl in a hole and wallow in my self-pity, rather than talk to the one who is in control of the entire universe. It sounds silly but that's just how I feel and operate. This is just the tip of my iceberg. 
I sometimes dont realize just how much pressure I place upon myself with school, work, church, friends, family, and all the in between. When I was younger I would bottle things inside and no one would know how/what I was feeling thanks to a rough childhood.  Now that I am older I cannot keep the cork on my bottle for long without a huge explosion. I guess to sum this all up I am stressed to the max and dont realize it until KABOOM its out there. Please pray for me. 

A Triumphant Return

After a much needed and unanticipated break from the stresses of posting a creative blog, I finally have some free time to update my status on many areas of my life. I hope you enjoy and aren't bored to death.


 As some of you may already know I am going back to school full time in pursuit of a bachelors degree in who knows what. I will graduate next year with a basic associates degree. I am very excited to get back in school. I am even more excited to finish a goal that at one time had to be placed on hold due to unforeseen circumstances. I am not a very patient person by nature so this is going to be nice! In order to complete this mission I will unfortunately have to go part time at work. This is where Jon and I will have to trust in the Lord with our finances and with the next few life decisions. God has been so gracious this last year of marriage. Jon and I have become closer and more like best friends who just cant get enough of each other. I have no doubt that we will "survive" on our salaries because God will provide.


Our youth group has definitely grown within the last few weeks. We went from a consistent group of two to an almost consistent group of eight!! After having the opportunity to meet these new young adults, I have developed a strong love for them and hope they continue to come. Jon is really excited about the new calendar year. He has been working hard this last few weeks to schedule events and fundraisers for the youth. Its comforting to know that I am married to such a Godly man who loves the youth as much as I do. 


Well I do have much more to add to this blog but I feel that in time everything I want to say will come out eventually. So I will leave you with this verse I have been trying to memorize. These past few months have been extremely difficult but tonight I have a peace that the Lord is just that, He is Lord and in control of everything. There is nothing that can take me away from my God!
Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.