A Peace That Only God Gives

     After a long chat with one of my favorite people, I feel as if a great deal of my burdens have been lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes its just nice to have someone understand what you are going through. I love how God uses people in my life to show me direction, which is what I have been asking for. I am so grateful to serve a God who doesn't give up on me, even when I am being my crazy self. No matter how great a wedge my sin puts me from Him, I know I can still come home. 
     I have joined the Thursday night ladies bible study class and boy did it hit home! Since my previous blog God has done nothing but burden my heart with making right the sin that I have to deal with. Whether it be live sermons, radio sermons, songs on the radio, or bible study God is calling me. I have such a peace now that I am working through my mess. Glory to God! 
      Lately I have been getting my baby fix from my nephew Aiden. Believe me, he gives me really good practice when it comes to settling an angry baby down. Its funny though, it all becomes well worth it as soon as I get one of those melt your heart smiles. I anticipate the day I find out that I am pregnant again and that this time it will stick. I really dont want to go through another miscarriage and I know Jon doesn't want to either. He is such a wonderful husband. I am thankful God has given him to me.

Insomnia

     The day after my last posting I found out that I was pregnant. Before you start jumping for joy please understand I am no longer pregnant. We lost the baby roughly one and a half weeks after we found out. I suppose it may have been a chemical pregnancy, the cause of the miscarriage is still undetermined, but I can only imagine what child birth will be like after the intense cramping I endured. Nursery themes, baby strollers, and bottle preferences were once circling my thoughts, now it is the emptiness of loss that crowd my mind.  Let me just state that I am a mess. I have yet to allow myself to grieve and I think that's what is keeping me awake tonight.

    This last month I have been going though the motions at church, at home, and at work. Smiling when necessary and putting on a mask. I think for a while I was even fooling myself. It is only tonight that I am realizing the full weight of my bottled up emotions. I know this blog may sound like a pity party but after years of disregarded feelings, I feel I am entitled to share my feelings where no one can rebuke them. I sincerely wish I had someone I could talk to about these kinds of things. Not even just talk to, but see eye to eye on situations and feelings that arise in my day to day life.  

     Every "friend" I have tends to be there for a while then disappears. I am burned and my scars do not go away. I have learned from my mistakes and I will not, I repeat, will not, make those mistakes again. The list of friends and family lost is ever growing. My mistake was pouring my most secret thoughts into anyone who was not God and feeling the hurt of un-reciprocated intimacy. I should rely solely on God for my strength and yet that is another area I am struggling in.  The cycle of my madness is un-ending. Since no one reads my blogs anyhow I feel this is where I shall end until I have more joyous news to share. Peace!