The Road to Recovery

As of late I have been stressing over many areas of my life. I have started on a sort of road to recovery. I have begun sharing with God my most personal wants and deepest pains. God so deservingly wants to be the most trusted counselor in all areas of my life. Not just the parts that require a season pass. Some of me wishes it hadn't taken this many trials to get me to where I am now, but without them I would not be nearly as strong as I am today. I am so grateful for Gods unfailing love. I can only dream that if I had myself for a friend I would drop me in a heartbeat.
We have started a new ladies bible study on the book of Galatians. We are focusing on the fruit of the spirit or in other words evidence of salvation. It has been such a learning experience and a great one at that. If anything I have learned that I can do nothing without Him. If I let up on my pursuit of spending time with God, I let in the temptations of this world and ultimately let down God. His plans are far greater and better than my own. Who am I to try and edit those plans?

The Raw Me

September marks the one year anniversary of my husband and I trying to have a baby. Since then I have learned many life lessons about babies, but I learned many more about myself. I have learned that I am an impatient person and try to orchestrate my own life. I have learned that in order to live with a genuine joy I must allow God to be the center focus and stop pushing my own agendas. I have started to get back on track with Weight Watchers and was slightly relieved when aunt flow came to visit this month. I would like to get back into my size 14 jeans before I have to throw on a pair of maternity pants. I guess loosing weight has become the outlet for things I can control. Any who, I am hoping for a November pregnancy so I can avoid having to rush to the hospital during VBS and camp season. That could get messy! yuck!
      Lately life in the ministry has proved to be a challenging and lonely one because the only other people who understand what you are going through are other people who are busy in their own ministries. I love teaching our Jr. Youth about who God is and how they can have a relationship with Him. My only set back is when all my kids grow up and move out of my class. Recently I have been given a surplus of new Christians who have a million questions. It is going to be a challenge but one that I am looking forward to. The face that makes all my difficulties melt is one by my Zachary Arenas. He has such a foundation in the Word that may never be shaken. His insights and his love of the Word make me so honored to be a teacher. Last Wednesday my kids really put the beat down on me. They were so ... underdeveloped is the better term. Anyhow I got to a passage that made me tear up from all the stress and hardships in my personal life. I look up from reading and there was Zach who was also tearing up. I have seen him cry before, but the empathy that was on his face made me feel as if God had placed him in my class for an even greater purpose than learning. God taught me, through Zach,that I am valued, no matter how many times I am looked over. Its nice to serve a God that can use anyone for His glory. Even a messed up fool as myself. :)

Learning With My Life

I have a fantastic husband, a wonderful home, a reliable car, a job, clothes in my closet (whether they fit or not is another issue all together), food in my pantry, and overall stability. How can I still feel like I am missing a huge chunk of something great with all of the many many blessings I have been given? Over the past few months I have realized that there is no one I can earnestly trust in this world. I even have my own spiritual issues with trusting in God who by the way continues to show provision and stability day after day and yet I still struggle with trusting Him. What has caused me to allow myself to be so open with others and then naive enough to think they would reciprocate the feelings of genuine love and effort that I place into the relationship. It has to be a learning disability of some sort. Lets face it, the last few blogs I have written have all been focused on one thing, friendship or the lack there of. I genuinely miss having a friend I know I can count on to be there for me through anything. Whether that be in my overly emotional days or in my more sane and collected days. It literally takes my breath away when I come face to face with the feeling of loss that I have endured in this past year. I lost a pregnancy, the last of my friends, and all the comforts of my church home. On the outside I am strong and well put together, on the inside I am a complete mess that only God could love. 

A Peace That Only God Gives

     After a long chat with one of my favorite people, I feel as if a great deal of my burdens have been lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes its just nice to have someone understand what you are going through. I love how God uses people in my life to show me direction, which is what I have been asking for. I am so grateful to serve a God who doesn't give up on me, even when I am being my crazy self. No matter how great a wedge my sin puts me from Him, I know I can still come home. 
     I have joined the Thursday night ladies bible study class and boy did it hit home! Since my previous blog God has done nothing but burden my heart with making right the sin that I have to deal with. Whether it be live sermons, radio sermons, songs on the radio, or bible study God is calling me. I have such a peace now that I am working through my mess. Glory to God! 
      Lately I have been getting my baby fix from my nephew Aiden. Believe me, he gives me really good practice when it comes to settling an angry baby down. Its funny though, it all becomes well worth it as soon as I get one of those melt your heart smiles. I anticipate the day I find out that I am pregnant again and that this time it will stick. I really dont want to go through another miscarriage and I know Jon doesn't want to either. He is such a wonderful husband. I am thankful God has given him to me.

Insomnia

     The day after my last posting I found out that I was pregnant. Before you start jumping for joy please understand I am no longer pregnant. We lost the baby roughly one and a half weeks after we found out. I suppose it may have been a chemical pregnancy, the cause of the miscarriage is still undetermined, but I can only imagine what child birth will be like after the intense cramping I endured. Nursery themes, baby strollers, and bottle preferences were once circling my thoughts, now it is the emptiness of loss that crowd my mind.  Let me just state that I am a mess. I have yet to allow myself to grieve and I think that's what is keeping me awake tonight.

    This last month I have been going though the motions at church, at home, and at work. Smiling when necessary and putting on a mask. I think for a while I was even fooling myself. It is only tonight that I am realizing the full weight of my bottled up emotions. I know this blog may sound like a pity party but after years of disregarded feelings, I feel I am entitled to share my feelings where no one can rebuke them. I sincerely wish I had someone I could talk to about these kinds of things. Not even just talk to, but see eye to eye on situations and feelings that arise in my day to day life.  

     Every "friend" I have tends to be there for a while then disappears. I am burned and my scars do not go away. I have learned from my mistakes and I will not, I repeat, will not, make those mistakes again. The list of friends and family lost is ever growing. My mistake was pouring my most secret thoughts into anyone who was not God and feeling the hurt of un-reciprocated intimacy. I should rely solely on God for my strength and yet that is another area I am struggling in.  The cycle of my madness is un-ending. Since no one reads my blogs anyhow I feel this is where I shall end until I have more joyous news to share. Peace!

The Clock Grew Wings

     It has been too long since I last published a post. Since last August I have switched jobs, went back to college, then stopped again, started trying to have a baby, became the children's director at church, and lost and gained back 30 pounds. Time does fly when you have so many things going on. 
     I am now working at CarMax, part time of course, so I can go back to school and attempt to get a degree in who knows what. I still like the idea of opening my own daycare but the cost of a facility is too much to imagine at the moment. I did go back to school for a semester before choosing to not re-enroll because I had to work at both CarMax and PetSmart until all of my pet training classes had finished. I am enjoying the challenging aspects of a new job, but wish I were trained already. There is so much to learn its ridiculous. Luckily I enjoy the people I work with and its nice being out of the lime light for a while.      
     So yes you did read correctly, Jon and I have been trying to have a baby since September. We have always wanted kids and assumed that God would give us the little bundle of blessing when we were ready, but it didn't make since to prevent if we were letting God do His thing. So here we are about five months later and still waiting. I have had tons of hopeful months but I have to remind myself that it is God who gives life and He knows what is best for our family. I will keep you posted on any new updates in that department dont you worry. This may soon become a baby blog instead of a personal one. haha
     Being the children's director at church is both a pleasure and a trial all wrapped into one.  There are days when I know my kids enjoyed their lesson and I know I enjoyed teaching, then there are days when I swear that my kids grew horns over the weekend just for my Wednesday class. Lately we have been working on incorporating the junior youth in with the regular youth to show them what they have to look forward to once they get into the sixth grade. Last Sunday we took all the youth roller skating and had a great time. I enjoy hanging out with my kids more than work. I really wish both Jon and I could live on our ministries! That would be a great blessing. 
     I joined weight watchers about a year ago and did really well to loose around 30 pounds but then to turn around and gain it all back. Now that summer is approaching I am trying to get back on track. I have a new application on my phone that lets me track my calorie intake and my calories burned. I have done fairly well thus far and hope to be back to my size 14 pants again soon. : )
     Well this concludes my rant for this evening. Have a good night! P.S. The picture above is one of my favorite pictures since becoming a children's director. This is Lillie reading my lesson before class starts. She has found a new love for reading and tries to read anything she gets her hands on.